What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I would give anything to be your personal item.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
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