The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
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