"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
I think we'd make a cute pear.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
"It's not me, it's you!"
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
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