For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.

Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.

What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.

What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.

How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.

Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.

I want to stick to you like glucose.

Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head

What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert

Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?

You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.

"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”

- George Bernard Shaw

Don’t be elfish.

I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!

What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!

What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.

When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!

My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."

Did you know you look good in short pants?

What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.

What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.

I can feel something brewing between the two of us.

Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.

What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.

A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)

What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.

What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?

Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.

What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.

You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.

My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.

Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)

What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan