Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
How about a kanga-root?
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
Seas the day.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
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