"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
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