What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Call me on the shellphone.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
Shake your shamrocks.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
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