You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
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