I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
I'd drink your bathwater.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Rudder valve reversals
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
I'm fondue you, it's true
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Go to BabaMail
