“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Witch you were here.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
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