How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
We make a great pear
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
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