I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
I love you berry much.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Lettuce go on a long drive.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
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