What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
How was Heaven when you left it?
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
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