In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
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