I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
I made a snap decision to watch football today
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
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