Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Leave poetry to the prose.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
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