What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
"Sip, sip hooray."
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
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