While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
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