What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
I whale-y like you.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
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