What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Can we still share a netflix account?
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Something’s goat to give.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Let’s take an elfie.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
Go to BabaMail
