Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
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