I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
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