Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
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