Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
I’m very frond of you.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
“The road to success is always under construction.”
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
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