What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.

Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!

I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.

What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!

“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann

I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"

You sleigh me.

What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.

After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.

What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.

Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.

Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.

What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.

What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..

When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."

What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen

“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.

Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you

What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!

I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"

The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.

Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.

You've stolen a pizza my heart.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!

We have great chemis-tree.

Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.

When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.

What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.

What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.

What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.

A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Glow!

Glow who?

Glow worm!

How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!

Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum