What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
"No body won the skeleton race."
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
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