What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
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