My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Snow thank you.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
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