I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Don't get tide down.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
I'm acorn-y person.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
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