I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Keep calm and carrot on.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Witch you were here.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
I think you're mer-mazing.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
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