As it snow happens.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
That’s a bit mulch.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
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