What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
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