“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Go to BabaMail
