"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
You are pitcher perfect.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
"I wood never leaf you."
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
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