Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Haida there, gorgeous.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
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