What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
I scored when I met you.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Dublin over in laughter.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
I perform best when I’m wet.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Shell yeah.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
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