Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Go to BabaMail
