I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
So how many cats do you have?
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I love your energy.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
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