How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Life is brew-tiful!
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Want to be workout buddies?
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
You are my raisin to smile.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Best in snow.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
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