Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Your lab or my lab?
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
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