Call me on the shellphone.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Snow on and snow forth.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
I whale-y like you.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
Do you comma here often?
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
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