Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Wow, you drive me Davi
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
I really like you. So does my wife.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
It’s worth a shot.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
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