What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
You’re my #1 pick.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
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