What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
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