Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I eat eel while you peel eel
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
In Ireland, I call the shots.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
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