What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
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