What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
I followed my heart to you.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
Fir sure.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
I’m feelin’ green.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
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