My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
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