Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
You snow the drill.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
"Bury me next to a straight man."
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
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