Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
I fence-y you.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
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