Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
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