How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
We are mint to be.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
I yam what I yam.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
"Just looking on the sunny side."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
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