I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
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