Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine

What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.

How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.

The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.

Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.

What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.

My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.

The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.

"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately

I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.

I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me

Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.

What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike

Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!

Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.

How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin

What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!

What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

You are one well-defined function!

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.

How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.

Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."

What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!

Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!

Today I be-leaf in leprechauns

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.

When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.

How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!

What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.

Summer's over; it's time to chill.

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.

Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.

Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Preparing.”