My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Cutest clover in the patch.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
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