What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
Get clover it, babe.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
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