“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
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