Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
As it snow happens.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Want to be workout buddies?
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
I always have a souper time with you.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Some bunny loves you.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
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