You make me want to Twist and Shout
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
Snow thank you.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
We were mermaid for each other.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
You snooze. You booze.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
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