If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
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