If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Salty but sweet.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
Go to BabaMail
