What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
We're donion rings.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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