You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
To get to the other tide.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
I love you deerly.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
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