Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
"Just don't carrot all."
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Go to BabaMail
