Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.

A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"

Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?

Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.

What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”

What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.

After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.

The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.

Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.

What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”

What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!

Will you go penguin sledding with me?

Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray

In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.

What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!

I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous

What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!

“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown

What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.

“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez

Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.

Does February like March?
No, but April May.

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.

There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.

Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

What’s the capital of France?
The F.

Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.

I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...

But it's up there.

“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?

It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.

Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.

“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju