What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
He’s my pinch charming.
Go big or go gnome.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
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